Moscow News
August, 2001
        The air of pessimism is creeping into the American life after a decade-long idyll of contented times and the highly irritating trips of self-assuredness. The reason for the drooping lower lips and the all-pervasive ennui is not, however, the sudden immersion of the US inhabitants into Schopenhouers melancholy musings. The reason, naturally, has to do with the economy its present instability, that is. Our pockets are considerably thinner and lo and behold! if things continue in this fashion, pretty soon we will no longer afford to purchase digital lawn-mowers and microwaves with spy cameras installed in them.
         Tighten you belts, folks! we are being told by the nations leading economists. Admittedly, this is proving to be a difficult task for Americans for two reasons. One: the waistlines in this country have grown impossibly ample. And two: the consumption-crazed Yanks prefer to utilize belts for an altogether different purpose, i.e whipping. 
          Once again, the public and courts here are frothing at the mouth with indignation and moral anger. This time, the focus of the spiritual revolt is not some skirt-chasing politician caught in the nail-bitten hands of an intern. This time, it is a plain man from Utah with a matching plain name Tom Green.  Mr. Green had started serving a 25-year prison sentence for being a by-the-book Mormon. Following the tenets of his faith, Tom Green surrounded himself with five wives and 30 children. Apparently, the Utah courts believe that this is not a punishment enough. The venerable judges in that deserted state are slapping him with him five years for each wife. I honestly had no idea that tastelessness carried such a strict fine in this country! Polygamy has always been tolerated by the Utah law enforcers simply because they would have to arrest three quarters of its Mormon citizens otherwise. 
         But with the present social climate which prescribes that a moral nation must fight other peoples habits, the level of tolerance has descended to zero, thus turning Americans into reproachful bores and meddlers. Every imaginable group in this country, from radical feminists to the Moral Majority insists that Tom Greens lifestyle offends the sensibility of a just society. The feminists, of course, are riding the same tired horse: according to them the five wives in question were emotionally scarred for life. The wives together and separately --  admit of no such thing. According to them, they enjoyed a stable, happy existence and were perfectly satisfied spending their days mashing potatoes for  the patriarch and their children. There was no element of animosity or jealousy amongst them and no thoughts of divorce ever entered their heads unlike the 75% of those engaged in a monogamous bliss. 
           The Moral Majority members and the born-agains ,who make you wish that theyd never been born the first time, are also invoking the same old authority to prove their point: god. He is terribly insulted, they cry and demand immediate vengeance. Incidentally, Tom Green, who isnt any brighter than his evangelical enemies, invoked the same character to vouch for his innocence. His main witness in the court of law was none other than god, but being otherwise preoccupied, the  above witness failed to appear, thus damaging the Mormons case. Green probably should have referred to the Bill of Rights instead, which guarantees every American citizen the right to practice his religion. But such is the way with the righteous people virtue is their biggest punishment. Or he could have pointed out to the civic-minded citizens that, yes, he does have a voracious appetite for women, but, at least, he doesnt abandon them each time he encounters a fresh catch. 
        According to all accounts, Green took good care of his small harem and its offsprings. Granted, the harem lacked the silk fineries of the one owned by the Sultan of Brunei and instead of the exotically beautiful Shecherezades, it was inhabited by corn-fed Utah women, but the latter, unlike the storyteller, were consenting and content. As for the Jesus freaks, they could easily be dismissed by a simple referral to the Bible: there is not a monogamous personage in it. Besides, if the American Christians are so keen on obeying all the teachings of their savior, then, why not start with the ones concerning their property: why not get rid of all the earthly possessions and propagate love of all? Or is that too emotionally draining for our moral hypocrites? Jesus, theyll have us know, was all-knowing and all-powerful, but he had one weakness: he just could not manage his private property.  
         As far as that goes, we are better off listening not to him or his twelve disciples, who, incidentally,  also lacked proper business acumen, but to our brokers and accountants. And never mind the Messiahs liberal tendencies and his request not to stone the sinners. He was temporarily deluded when he encountered Magdalene. And two thousand years ago, Christ was  not psychologically evolved enough to fully appreciate the comfort of closure mass satisfaction in punishing the wrongdoer. 
Americans are becoming experts at  casting the first stone and even the most inconsequential, dreadfully boring life, such as the one that the state of Utah guarantees,  is no longer a safeguard. Everything is private property in America except for ones lifestyle which is increasingly becoming a public commodity to be censored and directed by the boorish opinions of the majority. 
          If this tendency of intolerance towards ones neighbor continues, America would soon turn into a Taliban-like state with one difference: the unfortunate people that have to endure the Afghan extremists do not have to work as hard as the Americans in order to make their eternal mortgage payments and they can have as many wives as they please. Practical considerations might drive the god-fearing Christians to Allah, for all we know! In the meantime, though, Tom Green is doomed to spend his life in prison where, Im afraid, he will encounter another deadly sin: homosexuality. To make his punishment even more refined why not hang the following poster in his cell under the pretext that it will help him cope with the imposed single life: Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. 

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